Oh my goodness.
Just got back from an appointment with a dietitian.
Not for nutritional advice; I wanted to get a DEXA scan done to test my body fat.
I’m gonna be doing a little self-experimentation this summer with pre-workout nutrition for a future blog post. I needed to get my baseline levels measured.
I shoulda known what I was in for when the DEXA scan I had specifically asked about on the phone was actually a bio-impedence test.
These tests measure body fat via an electrical shock pulsating through your body.
The shock detects water levels and makes an estimate of your body fat.
One thing was certain: This was NOT a DEXA scan. DEXA scans are pretty much x-rays.
DEXAs are the gold standard for body composition analysis. And pretty much the only accurate measuring device known to man.
I should have questioned a bit when the lady told me she would do one for $50 over the phone. DEXA scans are generally in the $150+ range.
When I voiced my displeasure at the inaccuracies in a bio-impedence test, the dietitian’s response was: “Oh, these are accurate. It’s connected to a computer.”
Holy shit. A computer. Color me impressed. Look, lady, I have an iPhone 4s in my pocket that can do 99.9% of what your “computer” can do.
She did, however, give me a pretty good price: For $150, she would give me an initial consultation, and test my body fat via
DEXA scans bio-impedance tests on 3 separate occasions, one to start, one after 5 weeks, and one after 10 weeks. Which is exactly what I wanted. So……..I guess…………for comparison purposes only………….what the hell, right?
But now, I must tell you about my favorite part…………….the consultation.
This was fun. Let me give you some of the highlights, as best I can remember them:
Dietitian: “Let me give you some pictures of what 4 ounces of meat looks like.”
Me: “I’ll tell you what it looks like: About a third of an appetizer.”
Dietitian: “You should eat more egg whites. The yolks are very unhealthy.”
Me: “Every time a yolk goes down the drain, a piece of me dies inside.”
Dietitian: “Are you ever hungry?”
Dietitian: “If you wait until you’re hungry to eat, that’s your body’s way of telling you that you’re malnourished.”
Me: “The obese must be some of the healthiest people on earth.”
Dietitian: “Do you try to eat clean foods?”
Me: “If I remember to wash them, sure.”
Dietitian: “Drinking diet soda triggers your brain into craving more sweets, so you shouldn’t drink diet soda.”
Me: “What if I don’t give into the cravings?”
Dietitian: (blank stare)
Dietitian: “Here’s a picture of what one cup of rice looks like so you can have an idea of how much to eat.”
Me: “Why don’t I just measure my rice with the cup so I don’t need to look at this picture?”
Dietitian: “You weigh 215. Your ideal weight is 226. I have devised a plan for you to gain 11 pounds in the next ten weeks so you can hit your goal weight.”
Me: “11 pounds of muscle weight is impossible to gain in 10 weeks. And if you want me to gain 11 pounds of fat, I think we have different goals in mind.”
Dietitian: “You should try to eat leaner cuts of meat.”
Me: “That sounds awful.”
Dietitian: “Why is that?”
Me: “Because fat tastes good.” (Did she seriously ask why it would be awful to eat a low-fat diet?)
Dietitian: “You should be sure to limit your carbohydrates in the morning.”
Me: “I don’t eat anything in the morning. Done.”
Dietitian: “Your body doesn’t have the nutrients it needs in the morning since you don’t eat breakfast.”
Me: “Maybe. But my dinner is probably three times bigger than the average person’s. It averages out.”
Dietitian: “You really should eat breakfast. Healthier people tend to eat breakfast.”
Me, with a deadpan look: “You literally could tell me you’re gonna give me a million dollars if I ate breakfast every day for the rest of my life and I would say, ‘No, thanks.'”
Dietitian: “What do you have against breakfast?”
Me: “Nothing. But I would like to know which bio-marker of my health needs to be improved? My pulse rate? My lipid panel? My body fat percentage? My muscle mass? My blood pressure? My hormones? What do I need to improve and how will eating breakfast help me get there?”
Dietitian: “Generally speaking it’s easier to maintain a healthy body weight when you eat breakfast.”
Me: “I guess I’m just an outlier, then.”
The dietitian actually gave me a diet plan with calorie breakdowns for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Then I showed her my plan. Which had the same thing. Minus the breakfast. I told her my plan was based on a year’s worth of experience tracking calories, food intake, dietary supplements, and training regimens and how they affected my body. She actually replied, “I’m not sure you really have much of a need for this consultation.”
I politely replied with, “I really just wanted to have my body fat tested. I hope I don’t come off as unappreciative. I have some views on nutrition that are a bit different from the norm, I know.”
My guess is next time she’ll just take me straight to the
DEXA scans machine bio-impedance machine.
Have a great weekend.