Like most men, I want to have sex pretty much every day.
Even on the days I’m tired, I’m exhausted, I’m stressed out, and I really don’t “feel” like getting naked and sweaty, it doesn’t take much to change my mind.
My wife’s “closing rate” is a perfect 100% since the day I met her in 2002. What can I say? I’m easily persuaded.
Considering we have been together for over a decade, have two children, and have a healthy and loving relationship, we have also had a lot of sex. Generally, those two items go hand in hand.
But that doesn’t mean it’s always “easy” to “seal the deal”.
You see, we are a “normal family from the suburbs”.
By “normal”, I mean we own a house (actually, the bank owns it), we have two cars, we have two kids (one in pre-school, the other in 1st grade), and we both have careers.
My wife is an engineer and works 50+ hours per week, most weeks.
I am a public teacher turned freelance writer and fitness coach.
We have responsibilities. Lots of them. “Tasks” galore.
There are lunches to make, laundry to clean, carpets to vacuum, dinners to make, dishes to clean, bills to pay, retirements to invest in, college educations to save for……..the list goes on and on.
When those “tasks” flood you daily, often your sex life can become non-existent.
I am a firm believer in connecting with your partner in a multitude of different ways; sex is important to having a lasting and healthy relationship. Expressing yourself physically has countless benefits.
Plus, it just plain feels good, and puts you in a good mood. The day after getting laid, you have a bit of extra pep in your step. You get that “ego boost” and you feel desirable, which helps to improve your confidence.
Before we go any further, you need to know that this isn’t a “game” or “PUA” (pick up artistry) sort of an article. I do not have the secrets of how to take a girl home from the bar. If that’s your thing, you’re reading the wrong blog.
But I do have a bit of insight as to what works……..and more importantly, what definitely does NOT work……..if you are a parent of young children and you find yourself in a dry spell.
What I am going to tell you may be a bit controversial.
You might find yourself thinking I’m “chauvinistic” or “pig headed”. Or perhaps just flat-out wrong.
Before you make judgement, just know this:
Sex is primal and knows no “social morality”.
While on the surface, the suggestions in this article might cause you to balk, your psychology will likely tell a different story.
We are animalistic creatures that abide by specific rules when it comes to sex. Our society may have progressed to the point where iPhones and Prada bags are coveted by hoards of soccer moms everywhere.
But everything boils down to how we perceive members of the opposite sex at the most basic level.
If we begin to understand what women, our wives and the mothers of our children, truly want, then in turn, we can get what we truly want as well.
Let’s begin, shall we?
Major Mistakes Married Men Make When Trying To Have More Sex
Before we talk about the various strategies you can employ to have a more robust and fulfilling sex life, we first must make note of a number of methods you may have already attempted.
Men are rational creatures by nature.
We tend to think in terms of analysis. We want to maximize our productivity at all costs. We are logical. We think in terms of “black and white”.
We also think that women want us to “communicate”. This has been hammered into our heads from all corners of the globe. Men don’t “discuss their feelings” and they need to “open up” more.
Have you ever noticed that the “bad boys” who never communicate their feelings, but instead portray an image of alpha dominance seem to be getting laid without much effort?
Now, don’t take this the wrong way. Open lines of communication are important. Marital problems can fester and cause resentment if not taken care of and discussed, which is a serious issue which can lead to divorce.
But we aren’t talking about “serious marital issues” here, we are talking about getting laid more frequently.
Women, on the other hand, are emotional creatures.
Increasingly, as women have joined the work force and taken on management roles, they have taken the outward appearance of being rational and analytical, just like men.
This is rightfully so.
But when it comes to sex, having sex, and desiring to have sex more frequently, rational thought gets tossed out the window.
Men attempt to think “rationally” as they are prone to do. By doing so, many married men make some enormous mistakes when it comes to trying to have more sex with their wife.
These methods do not work.
They will not work – ever.
Do not try to get more sex by using these methods; your closing rate will be dismal if you do.
Mistake #1: Thinking that doing more chores and housework will get you laid.
It makes sense, right, you rational thinker, you?
Household tasks suck.
Nobody wants to do all the “stuff” that must be done in order to run a smooth household.
And there is always more “stuff” to do.
You think to yourself:
Hey, I have a few hours with an empty home.
I’m going to do the dishes, vacuum the carpets, scrub the toilets, and wash my wife’s car.
She will see all of the work I’ve done, and I’m bound to have some sex then, right?
Men equate doing tasks with being a “good husband”.
We then make the logical connection: “good husband” equals “happy wife” and “happy wife” equals “sexy time”.
Women’s minds do not make this same, logical connection.
Women view the tasks as “shit that must get done”. And simply not having to do the “shit that must get done” doesn’t put her in the mood to get naked with you.
It’s suggested that you pull your weight around the house, if you aren’t doing so already. Things must always get done, no matter what. If shit needs to be cleaned, and you have the time, clean it. Sitting around being a lazy bum is never a good look.
But doing these tasks with an ulterior motive won’t get you to the promised land any sooner.
Mistake #2: Thinking that buying her presents, a fancy dinner, or a night out will get you laid (when viewed in isolation).
There is a small disqualifier on this “mistake” that men make.
These items *can* have a bit of a return on your sex life, if utilized correctly.
But the simple act of purchasing these extravagances will not get you laid simply by virtue of doing them.
They will be appreciated, likely. Hopefully, anyways, assuming your wife is grateful for them.
You need to follow up “buying shit for her” with some other, more worthwhile strategies, which we will discuss further along in this article.
Mistake #3: Thinking that having a “day of the week” will get you laid.
There you go being “rational” again.
When life gets hurried and crazy, you think to yourself:
Let’s set a day of the week where we must have sex.
Then, we will know that since it’s Wednesday, we will automatically be getting naked later that evening!
In theory, this sounds great. The pressure is off of you, and both parties know it’s “sex time” every Wednesday night.
Women require a bit more “revving of the engine” than just knowing that it’s a certain day of the week.
No woman has ever said:
Hell yes, it’s Wednesday, that’s the night I get to have some sex!
Men do, though. We require absolutely zero “jump starting”. Just mention having sex, and we’re ready to go. So, we think having a set “day of the week” will be the solution to all of our sexless problems.
I have yet to speak to one, single married guy out there that successfully started having consistent sex using the “day of the week” plans.
Mistake #4: Thinking that bringing up the “problem” will get you laid.
Ahhhh, yes, there’s that “communication” thing again.
Communicating is a great way to solve financial problems.
Or disciplinary problems of your children.
Or to address plans to purchase a new house.
Or plan for your retirement.
This does not work for sex – at least if the issue is brought up by the male.
Rationally, you think:
I am supposed to communicate, because men have an issue with this.
I will not be like other men.
I will openly communicate that I want to have more sex.
Then, we will have a rational (there’s that word again) discussion on how to solve our problem.
And I will have more sex as a result.
By thinking this, and acting on this decision, you have committed an enormous “no-no” when it comes to raw sex appeal.
Vulnerability is a good thing. It’s always positive to be unafraid to love. To love your wife, your children, etc.
But when it comes to pure sex appeal, which is a vital, missing piece if you’re in a bit of a dry spell, communicating your short comings in this area undermines your masculinity.
Women can smell insecurity, and stating that “you want to get laid more” makes you sound desperate for action.
Your wife may assure you that she will “work on it” and may speak to you in a rational, logical manner.
But once again, rationality and logic does not make the panties drop, no matter how much you wish it to be so.
Your wife wants you to take charge.
Sitting back and admitting that you are failing in this endeavor makes you appear petty and weak.
Petty and weak males get no nookie.
Mistake #5: Thinking that “joking” about the problem will get you laid. Don’t do it, Mr. Funny Guy.
Men think they are so hilarious.
They will tell sarcastic, funny quips, hoping it helps to move them up the “balls deep” pipeline.
I was once at a party with friends, and we were playing “Catch Phrase”.
In the game, you get a word or phrase, and your goal is to make your partner say the word or phrase without you saying any part of the word or phrase.
The interaction I observed went like this:
Wife: Married people do this in the bedroom.
Wife: No, the other thing they do in the bedroom.
Husband: Play on their phones?
Wife: NO, COME ON, you know what I mean, what married people do…….YOU KNOW……in the bedroom!
Husband: Ummmmm, watch TV?
<buzzer sounds, they lose>
Wife: The answer is have sex, honey, come on, stop playing.
Husband: This game is crap! What married couple has sex in their bedroom? I guess they need to update it for couples like us!
This was met with laughter from the entire group.
After all, it was legitimately funny.
But I couldn’t help but think about what would happen when that couple went home.
There’s a 100% chance that the “sex-less bedroom” which had been brought up in a joking manner remained “sex-less” that evening.
Joking around about the “issue”, if there is one, is an awful way of tackling the situation.
Your goal is to have more sex here, not be the “life of the party”.
Keep your jokes about your sex life to yourself, funny man. Unless you want to be relegated to a life of beating off in the shower.
These 5 “mistakes” are made by men with alarming frequency.
Eradicate them from your repertoire at all costs.
Instead of trying to do more around the house, buy your wife presents, or analyze the issue, if you actually want to have more sex, there are a few methods which will work wonderfully.
However, you will have to work at them.
These suggestions will not come naturally to you.
Men think to themselves:
I’m married now.
I committed to this woman.
By virtue of this, I deserve sex.
Women, on the other hand, think differently than this; remember, they are emotional, not logical, when it comes to sex.
Women do not make the logical jump that “married equals sex”.
Women will always need to “feel” something before they have sex.
Your wife will respond better if you stop thinking analytically and start thinking in terms of what she desires.
Your wife doesn’t want a spreadsheet with a big “x” on it for each day the two of you had sex. That doesn’t appeal to her whatsoever. She won’t want to “increase the sex rate” with the same fire that you will.
BUT, if you can employ a few, simple tactics, and remain calm and rational in YOUR application of them, you will find yourself having more sex, and you will have a more enjoyable marriage as a result.
How To Get Laid More Frequently If You’re Married With Children
Tactic #1: Flirt like you’re still single.
Think back to when you first started dating your wife.
What did you do to try to “win her over”?
What kind of “game” did you play on her?
Did it work?
Did you find yourself flirting with her in an attempt to make her feel sexy and desired?
And what happened as a result?
I’ve never had more sex in my life than the year after I began courting my wife.
I spent every available opportunity openly flirting in a sexually suggestive manner in order to try to score.
And I did score, very frequently. Just ask my poor, college roommate who lived in the room directly underneath my bedroom. (Sorry, not sorry, dude!)
Full disclosure: Flirting in this manner doesn’t actually come “naturally” to me.
However, in order to get what I was trying to get, I needed to go against my natural instincts and give it my all.
After all, I was trying to score a girlfriend, and eventually a wife.
Yep, you heard that right – at about the age of 20, I knew I wanted to be married.
I’m not a fan of empty relationships. When I started dating someone, if I knew it wasn’t long-term, I broke it off immediately. I always viewed things as a “sunk-time cost”. Time I spent dating someone who wasn’t wife material was time I was wasting.
And I’m not a big fan of wasting time, either.
My wife has all the qualities I was looking for in a wife, and I knew it by the time our first date was over:
- Two-parent, non-divorced family.
- Parents were blue collar, hard-working providers; no “entitlement” or “spoiledness”.
So, I knew I had to “bring it” to win her over, so to speak.
Which leads me back to the flirting.
Before I would go out, I would consciously say to myself:
Be like Will Smith. (Cheesy, yes, but it worked.)
Be suave and charming.
Be funny, but in a smooth, sophisticated way.
Flirt like crazy, but be subtle about it.
Be slightly mysterious.
And I mean to tell you, the results were spectacular.
I would guess many men share this experience.
As men progress in their relationship, they get comfortable.
We think we have “conquered” our woman and accomplished our goal.
The sexy, flirtatiousness disappears, and contentment kicks in.
This is terrible for your sex life if you allow this to happen.
As a married man, you must keep flirting. Flirting helps to keep the spark alive. The spark can quickly dwindle when you have two rugrats running around your home.
Which makes constant flirting even more important.
Tactic #2: Touch her frequently.
Now, we’re not talking about groping her (unless that’s what she wants).
I’m talking small, subtle touches.
Sliding your hand across the small of her back as you pass her in the kitchen.
Grabbing her legs and caressing her shins as you watch TV.
Bringing her close after she gets home from work and nuzzling against her neck.
You know, all those things you USED TO DO when you were dating (notice a theme?).
Small, random touches throughout the day can set the stage for fireworks in the bedroom later that evening.
Tactic #3: Be definitive.
If you’re like me, there are a lot of things you simply don’t give a shit about.
I do not care at all where we eat dinner.
Many decisions on “child matters” leave me shrugging my shoulders with indifference.
But when your wife says:
What do you think, honey?
You should tell her, or at least make something up.
If she doesn’t agree with you, trust me, she’ll let you know. It will be up to you to decide if it’s worth the battle or not. (Usually it won’t be.)
You may think that by deferring to her, you’re doing your due diligence as a “proper” husband.
But psychologically, this makes the woman think you cannot make decisions on your own.
Be careful – there’s a thin line between being “authoritative and decisive” and being “pushy and controlling”. Nobody wants to be told what to do by a commandeering boss.
But if you can’t ever make decisions, and tell your wife what you want, how can you possibly get what you want in the bedroom?
It’s a small mental shift, but it will pay you dividends in the long run.
Tactic #4: Be physically appealing.
Ooooooh, I can already feel the hate mail piling up in my inbox.
A woman wants a physically appealing husband; if she tells you otherwise, she’s trying to make you feel better.
The “Dadbod” is a body of indifference, and women hate indifference, as this is related to Tactic #3.
The “Dadbod” says you don’t care enough about yourself to make a conscious effort to be a more physically dominant male.
It’s a cop-out, plain and simple.
If you’re obese, the odds of you having a healthy sex life dwindle drastically.
At the bare minimum, you should clean up your diet and start lifting weights, or getting other forms of regular exercise.
Whether you decide to be a “macro counting weirdo” like me remains to be seen.
But health should be a top priority for you.
As a bonus, if you train with your wife, and you strength train, you’ll likely find yourself having more sex as a default.
Heavy resistance training increases short-term testosterone production.
Simplified, this means: Go lift weights with your woman. She’ll be horny afterwards and so will you.
Some of my favorite moments come post-workout once we get home.
Trust me on this one.
Tactic #5: Offer your wife massages.
You don’t need to have your masseuse certificate to accomplish this one.
But suggesting a rub down for your stressed-out partner will lead to sex nearly 100% of the time.
Make sure you tell her that you only give massages to naked people, and you should disrobe accordingly as well.
Nothing gets the female motor running like a bit of coconut oil being slathered in all the right places.
It’s a relaxing, fantastic way to end the day.
And, of course, you’ll get laid, too.
Assuming she says “yes” to the massage, your closing rate should be near 100%.
Maintaining an active, vibrant sex life is integral to long-term, married happiness.
A sex-less marriage is a marriage doomed to failure.
As a man, it’s your job to try out new strategies. To implement new tactics.
To make her feel sexy – because if she feels sexy, she’s more likely to be interested in sex.
So, now I ask you: What did I miss?
Leave your comments below.
Frankly, I’m always up for new ideas. 🙂