My turds are majestic.
They are long, cylindrical, solid, and generally a dark brown color.
I rarely poop more than once per day, and when I do poop, I clear out my bowels completely.
It’s an amazing feeling. I lose 1-2 pounds in a matter of mere seconds.
My mud monkeys have a nice flow to them as well. I barely have to push. My sphincter relaxes, and the fecal matter rushes out of my anus with a quickness that would satisfy even the busiest person on earth.
Seriously, I crap faster than most people blow their nose.
But it wasn’t always like this.
For years, I struggled with pooping.
My shit was often loose and broken up. Or stuck up inside of me like a frightened turtle.
I sometimes would need to dump multiple times each day – which is not optimal for a middle school teacher.
I would be bloated and constipated at other times.
It is through trial and error – and a few choice supplements – that I have become The Dookie Master that I am today.
And I am here to share my secrets with you so your poops can be as picture perfect as mine are.
The Struggle Is Real
If you’re eating for your fitness, your protein consumption is high. You’re eating in the ballpark of a gram of protein for each pound of body weight.
All of that protein is difficult to digest.
It can sit like a lump in your stomach and it can bloat you.
There’s no worse feeling than having tons of excrement in your guts without a way of getting it out of your digestive system.
I used to feel like this often. I had to shit, but I couldn’t do it.
I would sit down on the toilet and push.
I would try to relax my asshole to let the feces flow.
I would drink water, hoping to dislodge the loaf from my colon.
Changing my food habits did help somewhat. I cut way back on dairy, as this was giving me problems. Basically, it was bloating me and it left me constipated. When I did actually shit, it was messy and it burned my asshole.
I even stopped taking whey shakes, casein shakes, and cottage cheese – which are all bodybuilding staples.
The “gainz” weren’t worth the “painz” in this case.
I also cut back on gluten as well. It wasn’t for “fat loss purposes”. I’m not a fear-mongering hippie.
But gluten was making my farts sulfuric and eggy. After eating pasta, I would drop SBD-butt-bombs for hours on end.
My wife wasn’t pleased, so I had to fix it or lose out on nookie. Smelling like rotten eggs in the bedroom isn’t exactly foreplay.
***Author’s note: This is MY experience. I am sensitive to dairy and gluten. They are not “toxic” or “poison” to me. I enjoyed them immensely and wish I still ate them. I simply feel better when I don’t eat them. You need to find what you respond best to and adjust accordingly. Back to the article…………
I also began eating 3 meals per day.
Sorry, intermittent-fasters, maybe your experience is different than mine, but I have issues eating such enormous meals. I do still make my dinner my largest meal to make it easier to abstain from snacks, but the volume of the food isn’t as insane as it used to be.
After those changes were made, my shitting became better, but still not fantastic.
I wanted to have turds that looked like a rotten banana.
My shits often looked like chili or crunchy peanut butter.
What was I missing?
I did start with a probiotic. That helped.
I made sure to stay REALLY hydrated – like 6 liters of liquid per day hydrated. That helped, too.
But there were two items that changed my turd game forever.
I suggest you use these products if you want to have picture perfect poops like me.
The Two-Step Guide To Bringing The Chocolate Thunder
I found the first part of the solution on a Reddit board, of all places.
I had tried fiber supplements in the past, but they didn’t do shit for me. Literally.
Until I came across the suggestion to try whole psyllium husk as a dietary supplement.
I purchased the item from Amazon and it was shipped to my house.
I opened the container, and smelled it.
It was earthy. Which is a polite way of saying it smelled like I would be eating dirt.
I didn’t really care, though. I was willing to eat a little dirt to make colon bowlin’ a bit easier.
I took two tablespoons, mixed it in water, and choked it down.
It wasn’t too pleasant, but it wasn’t the worst thing I’ve ever eaten.
(If mixed with some juice or in a shake, it’s just fine.)
The next day, as I was teaching, I had anal leakage.
Anal leakage might be the nastiest and most disturbing shit ever. Literally (again).
Have you ever had this?
You know those medicine commercials that say, “May cause anal leakage”?
I always laughed at those. Hahahaha – those dumb assholes have anal leakage. What morons.
Until I had it myself.
It’s totally weird as hell – your starfish starts to make butt gravy out of nowhere.
You don’t have to poop or anything. Pimp juice just starts flowing out of your ass crack.
Which is all kinds of fun when you’re teaching 6th graders a lesson.
People tell me I’m “calm, cool, and collected” at all times. Nothing fazes me, they say.
Maybe that’s because I’ve answered math questions from my students while involuntarily giving birth to a black eel.
But I digress.
After that initial experiment, I cut back to a single tablespoon daily, eaten at a meal.
This was the perfect dose. No more mudd-butt-fire-storms in the middle of class.
After a few days to get used to the new regimen, frequency and timing began to improve. I was pushing putty once per day at the same time, which is all anyone can ask for.
But they weren’t single pieces. They were small, little loafs. Every time one piece of cigar was pinched, I would have to wait and push again to get the next one out.
I didn’t want to get hemorrhoids trying to squirt some dirt, so I scoured the internet for the solution to my poo-poo problem.
I found it in the Squatty Potty.
This stupid, little thing will revolutionize your butthole.
I ran across this item on the ‘net after it was featured on Shark Tank – the owners received $350,000 from QVC-queen Lori Greiner for a 10% investment in their company.
It’s pretty much a stool you put your feet on to create the perfect, natural angle for turning on the Play-Doh Fun Factory.
Apparently, our civilized society has had some pretty awesome improvements – Ben and Jerry’s ice cream, high definition television, and GPS systems come to mind.
But the toilet is not one of them.
Toilets put our body at the incorrect angle for pooping.
Take a look:
And the Squatty Potty is supposed to pick your feet up in the air as you shit, which allows the Hershey’s chocolate to depart with ease.
I was skeptical.
But after I tried it once, I was 100% hooked and now I will shit no other way.
After you put your feet on this stool for the first time and angle your knees towards your chest, so much dung will escape your innards you will need to flush before you wipe your ass – or else you risk a clogged john.
It’s like an avalanche of excrement heading downhill at a ski resort.
There’s no stopping the hurricane. You have to hold tight onto the sides; it’s not really taking a shit, the shit just “happens” to you.
This is a game changer, my friends.
For about 6 months now, shit has been going down. The toilet. Efficiently. Daily. Completely. And totally.
I’m happy this problem has been solved.
My ballon-knot thanks me, as it only works once per day now. It’s cleaner, fresher, and happier.
My insides thank me, as I’m less bloated and I feel lighter on my feet.
My toilet thanks me, as I’m no longer spurting doo-doo-brown all over the bowl at irregular intervals.
And my wife thanks me, as our bathroom smells much more pleasant.
If you want to change your shit, your asshole, and your life, you now have a plan to make it happen.
You, too can make toilet snakes like this:
WARNING – A PICTURE OF MY (BEAUTIFUL) TURD IS BELOW.
NSFW – SCROLL AT YOUR OWN RISK!
That shit belongs in a museum.
It’s a freaking work of art.