How To Be Like Everyone Else – Normal, Comfortable, and Ordinary

Nobody likes to “stick out from the crowd”.

Who wants to be “different”? Why on earth would you want to differentiate yourself from the rest of the sheep people? Even though it’s been studied about eleventy-zillion (real number) times – and PROVEN each time – that calories are the cause of fat loss and fat gain, disregard that information. After all, why look at science when you can look at the latest Paleo cookbook? Did you know that your adrenals are fried? Seriously, they are FRIED, dude, and you need to fix it, fast. Completely disregard the fact that you don’t train hard, you sleep 5 hours per night, you spend your free time glued to your smartphone, and most of your diet comes with “fries and a drink”. It’s your adrenals, I promise. Now that you’re on the right track – and you’re starting to think like “everyone else”, let’s discuss 8 ways you can truly blend in with the crowd. All you need is apple pie, and this list is bona-fide Americana.

1. Go to the gym only when you’re motivated and you “feel like it”.

This will be once per week, tops. When you finally look at yourself in the mirror and get pissed off at your man-boobs and Dad belly, you will vow to get in shape. Without an actual plan, you will saunter meekly into your gym – the same gym you’ve been giving $23 per month to for the last year without even attending. First, you will do a couple of bench presses, since you know how those work. Not too many, though, and be sure the bar doesn’t come close to touching your chest. If it actually touches your chest, you might not be able to push it back up. After that, a few curls and about 30 minutes of cardio. Scratch that, we’d better make it an hour. “Working out” gets old fast, and we want to be shredded in about 6 weeks. Soon, the excitement will wear off. Your 3 days per week becomes 2, and eventually 1. There’s an excellent reason for this – motivation is finite – if you find yourself struggling with motivation, it’s obviously time to go check out Instagram and refuel your supply.

2. If you diet well during the week, your treat is a 12-pack of Budweiser and 24 chicken wings on Saturday night.

I understand that 3,500 calories is approximately one pound of fat, and you were 500 calories under maintenance each day this week for a total caloric deficit of 3,000 calories from Sunday through Friday. It’s Saturday, though, and you did well, bucko. Time for a treat. Let’s grab 12 Budweisers (1,740 calories total – 145 per beer x 12) and 24 chicken wings (1440 calories – 60 per wing x 24) from the bar. That way, your entire deficit will be wiped out in one evening and then some. Then you can start over from scratch on Monday! It’s like Groundhog Day, except there’s no snow and Andie MacDowell is nowhere to be found. You DO need cheat meals because of leptin. Actually, I think it’s cortisol. Shit, I’m not sure, but who really cares – your stomach is probably eating itself by this point. You likely have low-blood sugar. Did you eat your “slow carbs” today?

3. Attend the gym, sure, but let’s not go too crazy.

Look, dude, this isn’t the 1980’s. You have no Zumbas, no bandanas, and muscles are out. Have you ever seen “skinny jeans”? How the hell are you going to fit into those if you try hard? You need to be sure you’re seen in the gym, but not seen lifting too hard. But you also want to be sure you don’t look silly. It’s going to be a delicate balance – your weights need to be heavy enough that nobody can call you a pussy, but light enough that you don’t grunt with effort. My suggestion is the “one plate rule”. Every exercise you do, use one, 45-pound plate, nothing more and nothing less. That way there’s one BIG weight on the bar to appear manly, but no additional weights to actually make it difficult. Use this rule for EVERYTHING – bench press, incline bench press, squats, and deadlifts. Actually, shit, nevermind – don’t squat or deadlift, that’s way too difficult. Those exercises force you to balance and use your whole body. Let’s go with the leg extension machine and dumbbell shoulder shrugs. Don’t forget to end your session with 20 minutes of “abs” on the big, bouncy ball – that move requires no weights, it “burns”, and there’s lots of good looking chicks with yoga pants stretching over there.

4. When the going gets tough, quit.

If you have two choices – the first choice is to dig deep and try with all your might every single day, and the other choice is go chill out, go home, and put on sweatpants, which one do you want to choose? Our ancestors didn’t invent cars, desks, and offices so we could pick up heavy shit all day long. Life’s too short for that craziness. Let’s take up jogging instead.

5. Weigh yourself daily. The first time you have a slight fluctuation, freak out and give up. You obviously have a metabolic syndrome.

It doesn’t matter that your scale weight is a representation of your gravitational pull for one, single second in time. What matters is that the number is THREE POUNDS higher than it was yesterday. What the hell did you eat, you moron? You’ve been dieting for a month now, and you just gained three pounds of fat. Nice job, tubby. If I had to guess, your metabolism is slow from eating too little. Your “fat burning furnace” has ground to a halt because your body is in “starvation mode”. You need more calories to lose weight – pronto – and you are best served if those calories come from a Chinese buffet. Grab your chopsticks, hoss, it’s time to fix this shitty hormonal profile.

6. Believe everything you read on the internet.

Did you see? That one friend you had back in high school posted this article that says drinking water from plastic bottles is making you fat. I know it sucks that your friend’s cousin has breast cancer, but did you know if you megadose Vitamin C directly into your earlobes, the cancer jumps out of your nostrils and runs away? There’s a Youtube video of it, I’m fairly certain. Don’t even get me STARTED on apple cider vinegar. Actually, get me started………that shit is LEGIT. Here’s my transformation. First picture, 10 am (before apple cider vinegar), second picture, 10:02 am (after apple cider vinegar). By the way, did you hear that if you buy your friend a 6-inch sandwich, Jared Fogle will come to your house with his flash drive in hand? Be afraid. Be very afraid.

7.  You are a special snowflake; simple advice won’t work for you.

It’s probably not the calories that are getting in the way of dietary success. My guess is it’s some small, minute factor you haven’t yet discovered. It’s like a lightswitch – once you find out the exact cause of your stubborn body fat, you’ll be able to solve the problem. Why are you so skinny? It couldn’t possibly be your 95 bench press. You’re just a “hardgainer”. You’ve tried whey shakes, peanut butter, and the Domino’s diet. Nothing works. I mean, you curl for like 10 minutes every damn time you hit the gym, but you still have arms that look like spaghetti noodles. Have you tried the Jim Stoppani diet? How about some of Layne Norton’s P.H.A.T. workouts? Those two dudes are freaking JACKED. Yeah, yeah, yeah – they probably started with something very simple to build strength………blah, blah, blah. Whatever. You don’t need simple – you need the fastest way to build size. 6 days per week, a bodybuilder split, lots of machines to isolate muscles, and the perfect pre-workout. See you at GNC, “bro”.

8. Rationalize your shortcomings. It’s likely genetics anyways.

You’re going to need to come to grips with this……you look exactly like your Dad. It’s only natural, I suppose, since you’re cut from the same cloth. Look, I know, your Dad never trained – but here you are, training constantly – and you look just like him. You know what that means —— IT’S GENETICS! It has nothing to do with your inconsistency, your shitty diet, your sub-par program, your lack of intensity, or your constant excuses……….it has to do with YOUR DNA! That’s it and that’s all. It’s an easy excuse, and nobody can deny it. Shit, all they need to do is look at your physique to see it – you are a spitting image of your Pops. You’re doomed to be ordinary. So, it’s cool – accept it and move on. There’s nothing you can do about it. You have no choice but to look like this – you’re likely at your “natural weight”. You’re “healthy” despite your size. The BMI is massively flawed, anyways. It’s the “man” trying to hold you down – Big Agra, Big Pharma, and Big Bird – all fighting for a snack from the same cookie jar. The deck is stacked against you. Time to fold your hand. I wonder what Dave Asprey is up to these days………………….   Yours in sarcasm, Jason