The first thing you need to know is that you’re not allowed to talk about how much it hurts.

Which is a total farce, mind you. Since us men don’t have to go through the process of childbirth, any bitching and moaning we do as a result of a vasectomy puts us firmly into the “little girl” category.

Hey, I don’t make the rules – I just do my best to follow them.

I’m not totally sure what the “correct” number of children is.

We all have different hopes and dreams. I just knew that my hopes and dreams changed from being a Father to “oh-my-God-a-third-child-would-be-awful” pretty much as soon as our second child was born.

In fact, I even wrote that down on the vasectomy paperwork:

Since my wife had a c-section for both children, we were asked with each one if we wanted to seal-the-deal right then and there and have her tubes tied.

Shoulda, woulda, coulda………………

Most of my friends have children, now that I’m in my mid-30’s.

There is a distinct and obvious difference between those of us with 1 or 2 kids and those of us with 3 or more.

The way the 3+ crowd sort of shuffles around in a lifeless, zombie apocalypse-like daze is enough for me to call it quits after 2.

As any good football coach can tell you, there are seams and cracks in a zone defense. 

The third kid will find the weaknesses in your defense and expose them.

The two girls we have were slowly getting older, and with each new holiday and birthday, more of their toys were put into garbage bags and placed into our basement.

I had begged my wife to let me throw the stuff out.

She refused until I was officially sterile.

We have had too many friends throw out all of their “kid stuff”, just to get a “magical oops” sent by the stork.

“Magical”is a politically correct way of saying “life altering mistake”.

The third child would change EVERYTHING – we would need new cars, our kids would become roommates with each other, nobody would EVER want to babysit for us……………yep – two was enough.

I also didn’t want to be relegated to a lifetime of condom usage.

Not to mention the fact that the “rhythm method” has produced many 10-child families for Catholic couples.

Vasectomy, it is.

My first thought was the Wednesday before March Madness to suffer while watching basketball.

I couldn’t wait that long, though. I chose the next best day I could come up with.

The Friday before Christmas break.

Let’s do this.

This Is How Vasectomies Work

Vasectomies are “outpatient surgery” – meaning you don’t get knocked out, and you go home in under an hour.

Technically, in the world of medicine, this means they aren’t a big deal. The procedure is routine and mundane.

Try telling that to your nut sack.

As I waited for the Doctor to walk into my room, I heard the guy in the room next door getting his vasectomy done.

There’s nothing that gets you ready for your own surgery than hearing through the wall:

And now, I will make an incision in your scrotum with my scalpel.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu.

Okay, okay, here’s how the whole thing goes down:

===> First, your penis gets duct taped to your lower abdomen. “Penis” and “duct tape” should NEVER be in the same sentence together.

Then, a large shot of anesthesia gets loaded directly into your vas deferens. That’s the tubage that goes from your balls to your pee hole. It’s the vehicle for the baby batter.

The vas deferens is an extremely narrow passageway. You can imagine how it feels when “however many cc’s” of numbing agent are shot directly into a tube that small.

The pressure is a bit intense.

Physically, the shot was the most painful part of the procedure.

Mentally, the fun is just beginning.

During the actual snipping, you don’t know exactly WHAT is going on down there, but you’re getting touched and prodded.

In case you’re wondering, here’s what is actually going on:

Your ball sack is being cut open with a scalpel. The Doctor is cutting the vas deferens in half with surgical scissors and then burning off both ends to ensure no sperm reach the urethra.

You read that right – BURNING off of both ends. 

I didn’t know it would be going down quite like that.

My Father-In-Law told me the incision would be made on the front of my right hip, just to the right of my Daddy buttons.

He is a liar. The incision was made right on the front of my sack.

I was numb, so it didn’t exactly hurt. It was REALLY fun when the Doctor said:

Jason, you’re going to smell some burning here in just a minute.

Which is exactly what you want to hear from a man slicing your testicles.

Pro tip:  Stare at the ceiling and don’t look anywhere else.

My Father made the mistake of looking down during his vasectomy.

One glance at the smoke rising from his genitals sent him into hyperventilation.

Seriously – you can’t make this shit up.

The Aftermath

The entire visit takes about 30 minutes.

You get a bunch of gauze for your underwear to soak up any incidental blood and you’re told to take it easy for a bit of time.

The pain afterwards isn’t too bad, assuming you follow the Doctor’s advice.

No heavy lifting for a few days; no trips to the gym for a week.

No cutting grass, no doing laundry, no cleaning the house, no nothing. This is your chance to be lazy and do nothing. Embrace it.

Grab the frozen peas and find a solid spot on the couch.

As soon as you feel no pain, you’ll need to start “cleaning the pipes” of any residual spermage. It takes about 15 “pumps” to get the system reset.

For a good laugh, tell your wife that “cleaning the pipes” is her duty.

Which reminds me, another pro-tip:

Do NOT give it a “test drive” to make sure it still “works” until at least a week has passed.

Your “test drive” will hurt like a bitch if you do it too soon.

Or at least that’s what someone told me…………..

Oh, yeah, back to the pain………………..

I’m not sure what’s going on North of the border, but I’ve heard from a few Canadian friends that they give out codeine after your vasectomy.

My Doctor said Tylenol, ibuprofen, and ice would do the trick.

I went with Jack Daniels instead.

Just be sure you don’t whine too much. When your wife asks how you’re doing, the only acceptable answer is:

I’m fine.

I’m not saying I answered with “I’m fine” EVERY time, but I did my best to.

The pain isn’t an intense, sharp pain. It’s more a nagging, constant pain.

What did it feel like?

Actually, it felt exactly like the 5 minutes after you get racked in the balls – for about a week.

Do yourself a favor – take a good 3 days and spend it sitting on the couch with your pants down and your dick on ice.

STAY PUT – even if after a day or two you’re feeling “good” and you’re going stir-crazy.

Trust me on this one – I’ve heard many stories about Dads feeling good, getting a bit active, and paying for it for the next 3 months.

Just keep the complaining to a minimum.

After all, she had the babies for you. That was the difficult part. She went through the labor, the delivery, the (possible) c-section, the breastfeeding, the hormonal changes…………….everything.

The least you can do is take one, good shot to the nuts to avoid ever having to deal with that again.

FWIW – since this is a fitness site, I will say I took one, full week off of lifting.

My first week back, I stuck to all upper-body lifts and I didn’t train intensely to failure.

Your sack may be different than mine, though, and your mileage may vary.

Yours in being sterile,

Jason